In Tokyo: They are heavily dependent on me

Chapter 112. Loving This Version of Myself

I realized I couldn't continue being so颓废 (颓废 is a difficult word to translate directly, but it implies a state of listlessness, apathy, and lack of motivation) until five days after I had stayed at home.

I've already read all the books in the house, and some of my favorites have been read three or four times. My phone is also lying aside because it's out of battery.

It's not that I don't want to top up, but the thought of dealing with all the unread messages on social media gives me a headache. Luckily, I can choose to escape without taking responsibility and avoid facing the complicated reality, which is great.

I don't know when I fell asleep early last night, so I got up very early this morning. It's been a long time since I've seen the light shining into the room in such a light tone.

For some reason, I couldn't fall back asleep after waking up. Although I didn't do anything, just staring at the ceiling above my head made me feel content.

It's rare for me to get up early, so I'll tidy up the room.

No, I'll just lie here and do nothing until noon.

Controlled by two different thoughts, my body became unable to do anything as usual. "This can't go on," my mother's voice echoed in my mind more than once.

That moment lasted for half an hour, and even I realized that I couldn't continue like this, so I reluctantly cleaned everything in the room, controlling this body that seemed to have broken free from my control.

Although I was very reluctant at first, once I got really busy, I didn't want to stop at all.

They were so focused on getting things done that they had no time to think about anything else.

During this period, I became a regular customer of the convenience store and often ate the cheap food I bought there.

Although I'm not a particularly clean person, I can't stand sleeping next to trash, so I cleaned up the packaging on the same day. A large part of the reason why the room felt messy was because of the books piled up on the floor.

Having not exercised for a long time, I quickly became drenched in sweat. Just then, I seemed to hear a knock on the door downstairs, followed by my mother's response, "Coming!"

At first, I didn't pay much attention. When my mother called me downstairs, I just appeared in a lazy manner. What could be the matter? I was thinking that when I saw the person who came. My eyes widened as soon as I saw the person.

Was it a dream?

I bit down hard on the inside of my lip, it hurt so much... That realistic sensation couldn't be a dream, right? In other words, all of this is happening in reality?

The person I had wanted to see countless times, and the person I had been afraid to see countless times, appeared before me.

In that instant, I suppressed the urge that my body instinctively wanted to call him by name.

My rationality is gradually crumbling.

I knew this couldn't go on for long, so I fled in fear, using the excuse that I needed to go upstairs to clean to keep Hoshino and Kobayashi, who was with him, out of the door.

No one can understand the torment I was going through, even though I was only separated from him by a door.

I have to find a way to control my urge to touch him, even though touching him only takes a brief second, but letting go requires a thousand times more effort.

My mind was already occupied by the idea of ​​"righteousness," so I tried to resist my true feelings.

The moment I saw him, the moment I knew he was willing to see me, my body was trembling with joy, but I was trying hard to control the overwhelming happiness in my heart.

I know very well that this version of myself is not who I truly am, but I must meet him in this state.

It seemed that everything outside the door had already quieted down. I was hoping that it would be better if Hoshino-san just left like this. I dejectedly tried to calm myself down in the room for thirty minutes before finally making up my mind to open the door.

Hoshino-kun didn't leave. I was briefly delighted to see him, but I quickly realized that I shouldn't have shown that reaction so clearly. So I tried to control myself and deal with his appearance with the most ruthless attitude.

During that time, I said the same thing to Hoshino-kun. We really were on the same wavelength in these areas. I had that thought briefly in my mind at the time.

To my surprise, Hoshino suddenly apologized to me. I was completely unprepared for this and was quite startled. Was it because of what happened at the apartment last time? That's the only reason I can think of for his apology.

No, it's not just Hoshino who bears responsibility; most of the blame lies with me.

I wanted to say that to him, but in the end I couldn't.

I couldn't say those words, not because they felt heavy, but because...

If my actions cause Hoshino, who has already made up her mind, even more distress, then it would be better if that didn't happen.

Hoshino-kun must have made up her mind to visit this time, right?

So, wouldn't it be better to just accept it as a matter of course?

Under the influence of this thought, I was forced to accept his apology.

Hoshino-kun must want me to go back to school, right?

That's what he must be thinking.

When I heard his incredibly firm words, the same determination welled up in my heart.

However, that won't work.

I am different from Hoshino-kun.

That's the kind of person I am. Once I accept something, and I see it as unfortunate, even if I try my best to change my mind afterward, the outcome will not change.

I really hate Hoshino-kun.

Hoshino-kun, you don't know, do you? It was clearly you who was making the one-sided attack, but you kept putting on a pitiful, victim-like expression. When you apologized, it was only because you felt guilty, right? It wasn't because you were sincere at all.

You can still chat freely with people your age about all sorts of topics, and you can still share lunch with other girls, while I, who am 8 years older than you, simply cannot take it for granted that I can do the same as you.

You were the one who broke the relationship we had maintained by saying those things without considering your own future. You never thought about the pain I felt after hearing those heavy words, as you were thinking, "Let's just keep going like this until graduation."

Why can you so easily change my life? Why do you break the boundaries that were set beforehand? You've never seriously thought about it.

You would never understand the longing I felt when I saw someone far more outstanding than myself, someone I had always aspired to be.

Countless times I've wanted to be you, and when Hoshino-kun touched me, I just wanted to pull you down completely.

However, I cannot do that.

Because my liking for Hoshino far outweighs my dislike for her.

I don't care if my life is ruined, but not Hoshino-kun.

The expectations I place on you far exceed the expectations I place on myself.

I am a different kind of person from Hoshino.

This kind of rationality is restraining me.

Hoshino-kun must really hate me, right?

If I couldn't accept this, I should have made up my mind from the beginning to push you away and yell at you, "Get out of my way, you brat!" instead of letting the tragedy happen and then choosing to run away in the end.

At that time, I couldn't control my thoughts. I stubbornly believed that things had developed to the point of no return.

Therefore, I informed them of my decision to resign without any burden.

Hoshino's reaction was exactly as expected. Seeing the disappointment on your face, you must be regretting your decision back then, right?

Even Hoshino, whom I admire, still regrets the things she has done. Isn't Hoshino just like me, who is so terrible?

When I was in elementary school, I forgot to bring my textbook, and the person next to me forgot to bring theirs too. Now, I feel exactly the same way I did back then, both relieved and secretly pleased.

I know very well that Hoshino will remain silent. If I were in such a situation, I would also choose to escape in the same way. I hate Hoshino for doing this, and I hate myself even more for doing this.

I really can't do anything.

Deep down, I strongly desire that Hoshino-kun become as awful as I am.

I, who find a sliver of comfort only through such means, am not worthy of Hoshino's understanding.

Someone as wicked as me should just lie in bed and wait to rot.

This is the best ending.

I lowered my face, and tears streamed down my face without regard for the occasion.

Once again, I feel utterly disgusted with myself.